I wanna Tel you a story

David Thomas13 April 2012

So Terry Venables is taking over the "irresistible" hot-seat at Leeds United. But what's going to happen next? With the aid of several crystal balls, a pile of mouldy tea leaves, half a pound of goat's entrails and a battered copy of the Nostradamus Football Yearbook, 1571, I can exclusively reveal all.

Tomorrow: Leeds chairman Peter Ridsdale unveils his new manager to the media and explains why he believes Venables will be the right man for Leeds United.

"In view of the financial situation at Leeds United, it was felt that the club should diversify into a full range of activities within the leisure industry," Ridsdale says. "We therefore took advice from the recruitment consultants Gregory and Goldberg, who knew Terry from his days at Portsmouth and Crystal Palace. They agreed that his unique experience at clubs such as Barcelona, Tottenham and Scribes West, the celebrated Kensington nightspot, made him ideal for the job."

11 July: The first Venables masterstroke. In a bid to rid Leeds United of their stock of excess players, he converts a vacant retail unit off Oxford Street into Mr Sell-Rite, the first shop in the world where ordinary punters can buy off-the-shelf footballers for a full range of home and business uses.

12 July: Urged on by reports showing that 70 per cent of Liverpool fans want Lee Bowyer, Gerard Houllier approaches the Leeds board to make a transfer bid.

He is told to visit Mr Sell-Rite and make a deal with Tel. Asked about Bowyer's popularity, a Liverpool Supporters' Club spokesman replies: "Scousers can really relate to a lad who spent most of last year in court."

13 July: A four-hour delay on the Virgin Express out of Lime Street means Houllier arrives late at Mr Sell-Rite, only to discover that Bowyer has been sold for £17.50 to the Dog and Duck pub in Ponders End. Says a delighted publican: "We've really got a bargain here. Lee will make a great addition to our Sunday League side. And he's an excellent guard-dog, too."

20 July: Eager to show his commitment to Leeds, Venables announces that he is changing his nickname from 'El Tel' to 'Our Tel'. Just as he did in Spain, Our Tel shows that he is (almost) mastering the local language, quipping:"Oi bah gum, ah'm a reet northern lad 'n' all."

1 August: With the Premiership season just days away, Ridsdale and Venables drop a bombshell. The Leeds United stadium is to be converted into a giant bar and disco-complex, called Elland's. Leeds United home games will now be staged in the car park at the Headingley cricket ground.

"Brian Kidd will be supervising team matters," says Ridsdale. "And Our Tel's going to turn Elland's into the finest entertainment experience in west Yorkshire."

4 August: In a bid to placate Leeds fans, who no longer know where they will go for an afternoon of sing-a-long racial abuse, Our Tel announces his first transfer signings - Paul Gascoigne, Andy Townsend, Des Lynam and Gabby Logan. "Eee-oop, by 'eck," he says. "Us may go to t'bottom o't'league. But we'll 'ave t'best post-match interviews in't'business!"

15 August: Gabby Logan is announced as the face of the brand new adidas 'Predator Babe' range - the world's first football boots with stiletto heels instead of studs.

1 September: Tragically, Gabby's ultra-sexy footwear renders her totally immobile when her heels become stuck in the wet turf at Stamford Bridge.

Leeds are hammered 6- 0 by an equally impoverished Chelsea team containing three Italian waiters and a Spanish fisherman. "Meester Bates he a-like me to buy a-Continental," explains Claudio Ranieri. "But I was-a - 'ow you say? - skeent."

5 September: Leeds are drawn away to Dynamo Plovdiv of Bulgaria in the UEFA Cup, throwing the club into crisis. "We won't play anywhere you can't fly to on Easyjet or Ryanair," says Ridsdale. Our Tel, though, remains upbeat: "Appen ah ken a reet cheap travel-agent, down t'Old Kent Road."

19 September: The Leeds team fail to arrive in Plovdiv, having just set off on a cut-price two-week trip to Magaluf. "Ow were I to know it were a different country?" wails Our Tel. "Plovdiv? Magaluf ? It's all foreign muck to me, bah gum."

2 October: The crisis at Leeds deepens as Our Tel refuses to attend a League Cup replay v Torquay. "Wednesday is me Champions League night, down t'social wi' Des," he declares, defiantly.

7 October: Administrators are called in to Mr Sell-Rite, which still has several unsold Leeds players on the shelf.

10 October: Our Tel resigns, clutching a £500,000 performance bonus, to take up a new coaching job in the Israeli First Division. "Oi vey," he announces, with customary good humour. "Just call me Tel-Aviv."

Sour Jordan's vintage whine

But Simon Jordan of Crystal Palace has the brass nerve to complain that his club will "only" be getting £500,000 a year from the deal, instead of the £2.7m they would have had from ITV Digital. "The dynamics of the deal don't make any financial sense," whines Jordan. "I believe these guys should go."

Okay, let's just explain this in idiot-proof language.

1. ITV Digital went bust because TV viewers refused to pay money to watch Nationwide League games.

2. No one outside a few thousand dedicated followers could give a monkey's about any Nationwide club.

3. Without a new deal, the real figure Crystal Palace stood to make this year was not £2.7 million. It was precisely nothing. Zero. Naffall. Zilch.

4. The only company currently able to pay big money for TV sports rights is Sky.

5. So the Nationwide had to sell a lousy product, with a tiny number of customers, in a market with only one bidder.

6. So they should get down on their knees and thank their lucky stars that they got anything at all.

Now does it make sense?

United's reality check for £35m Rio

If Ferdinand does go it could be for a lot less than everyone expected. And what will his wages be at United? For the past decade, football has enjoyed a crazy bubble-economy. Clubs saw their incomes rise by 20 per cent every season. But their costs went up by 30 per cent. Even a football chairman can see the madness in those maths. Now the bubble has burst.

Can't get enough of Daniela

Oh God, it feels so much better, getting that off my chest. I never thought it could happen to me, a man of 43, with a beautiful wife and three lovely children.

But in the past fortnight I've become obsessed. I've abandoned my work, my family, everything, just to spend hours gazing at Daniela Hantuchova.

Those endless legs! That skintight white top! That sweet, girlish smile! I know it's wrong, really I do. On Sunday night I started screaming abuse at the telly, just because Daniela's mixed-doubles partner Kevin Ullyett had gone to pieces in the third set of the final, condemning my beloved to defeat.

I hated him for making her unhappy. But this is madness. It has to stop. Someone help me. Please.

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