Dan Jones: The six most important things you need to know about Zlatan Ibrahimovic

 
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Dan Jones2 April 2014

Chelsea, beware! The Ibra-man cometh.

Jose Mourinho is reunited with his former striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic in Paris this evening and one of the biggest names, noses and egos in football is itching, as usual, to show off. We’re sure Jose has done his homework. But, have you? Here are the six most* important things you need to know about Zlatan…

*well, most-ish

Zlatan is… a verb

Do you ‘dare to Zlatan?’ We ask because Ibrahimovic is putting that question to his fans as part of a slightly tiresome marketing campaign in which he promotes himself as part-physical prodigy, part-guru — a hardman spouting self-help slogans, or Yoda piloting a Chuck Norris avatar, if you like. So, yes, Zlatan is now a verb and, needless to say, ‘DareToZlatan’ is a hashtag, used to accompany various Tampax-advert pieces of folk wisdom dispensed on Ibrahimovic’s Twitter account. You can imagine what they’re like: believe in yourself, embrace your fears, kick that man to the kerb, girlfriend. Okay, so not the last one but it can only be a matter of time. Yes, it’s completely stupid and risible but, then again, so is just about everything else on the internet. Carry on Zlatan. As you were, son.

Zlatan is… ‘very, very easy to manage’

Or so says Mourinho, who coached him for a year when both were at Inter Milan. Others — Pep Guardiola, say — might beg to differ. This is the same Guardiola, you’ll recall, who is regarded by most of the world as a footballing revolutionary responsible for creating one of the finest club sides in modern history, but whom Zlatan considers as a “spineless coward” with “no balls”; “no man” whose team talks are “bulls**t for the advanced”. Hmmm.

Our favourite Zlatan Ibrahimovic quotes

1/8

Zlatan is… a brand

Sure, he has played for the best clubs in France, Spain, Italy and Holland, amassing transfer fees of near-on £150m along the way. But Zlatan has also burst the banks of mere sporting recognition. A quick, unscientific survey suggests that he is one of the most successful Swedish exports on the planet. Check the stats. Volvo: 906,000 Facebook likes. Ikea: 538,000. Absolut Vodka: 4.8m. Zlatan: 13m and spare change. By my reckoning, the only Swedish things more popular worldwide than Zlatan are the clothing manufacturer H&M, casual fornication and Sarah Lund from The Killing. And thinking about it, I’m pretty sure Sarah Lund from The Killing is Danish.

Zlatan is… a god to the people of Sweden

JOHN MACDOUGALL/AFP/Getty Images

Although actually, he’s a bit more like a queen — a commemorative set of five Zlatan stamps was released by the Swedish post office last month and they sold five million before they even hit the counters. That’s one stamp for every two people in the country. “Personally, I get a lot of bills and they rarely have any nice stamps,” said Ibrahimovic, when they were launched. “Maybe that will change now.” Talented and funny, too. Maybe we do dare to Zlatan, after all.

Zlatan is… an author

His memoir, predictably entitled ‘I Am... Zlatan Ibrahimovic’, is actually extremely funny and in places very touching. Although it is possible that I think this because at the time I read it last year I had just finished ploughing through Morrissey’s book — and after that garbage, frankly, I would probably have enjoyed ‘I Am… Mr Blobby’. Still, if you haven’t read it, it’s worth picking up. Zlatan, that is. Give Blobby a miss.

Zlatan is…the scourge of the English

We can now probably forget the old notion that Zlatan goes missing against English teams. For a start there’s the four he pumped past the English national side in November 2012 — including that bicycle kick. He has also torn through Arsenal twice — once for Barca and once for AC Milan. Chelsea will hope tonight that they’ll follow Manchester United, Liverpool and Spurs in managing to shut out Zlatan. But would you bank on it? No, thought not. @dgjones

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