Football Notebook

Martin Chilton13 April 2012

On one side of the bed we have Alan Shearer, living up to his Mary Poppins nickname by declaring: "Goal scoring is better than sex."

Jimmy ridicules sex life of Mary Poppins

He's joined under those particular ideological sheets by Charlie George, Bob Latchford, Robbie Fowler and, with a little re-positioning, Ian Wright who said: "Scoring an important goal is better than sex."

On the opposite side we have David Beckham, hubby of Posh and Julie Burchill's favourite sex symbol, who says: "I'm often asked whether scoring a goal is better than sex. For me there is no contest. Of course sex is better."

Now Chelsea's Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink has entered the debate. The Dutchman said: "You can never say a goal is better than sex. All the guys that say that are not having proper sex."

Over to you, Mary Poppins.

Crooks hatch plot for Howard's way

Following the second robbery at its Soho premises since the start of the season in August, the FA said nothing sensitive was taken.

There had been rumours that confidential dossiers about the country's top footballers could have been stolen, along with the Adam Crozier memorial tie.

However, despite two floors of the FA's hightech offices being ransacked, it seems only computer equipment was pinched.

After the first raid in August, FA chiefs introduced state-of-the-art CCTV cameras and electronically controlled doors - which baffled many of the remaining older members still looking for old brass doorknobs - but the thieves came back again.

Notebook has its own theory about what the unscrupulous gang were so desperate to get their hands on.

They were seeking Howard Wilkinson's fabled Blueprint for Football.

They planned to patent the dour Yorkshireman's document and make their fortunes selling a worldwide cure for insomnia.

Alex off to the Orient

Alex, old Chinese proverb say: "You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair."

Foul play is going from bad to verse

The Jolly Christmas Postman
Heard It In The Playground,

Ahlberg, poor man, is a West Bromwich Albion fan and his latest book of children's poems is called Friendly Matches. Illustrated with funny cartoons by Fritz Wegner, the book is published by Viking Books (£8.99).

There is a lovely poem about his favourite goal - when Nottingham Forest's Gary Crosby headed the ball out of Manchester City goalkeeper Andy Dibble's hand "held out like an attentive waiter's tray" - and there are several about referees.

Notebook's favourite, in an era when managers routinely deny seeing a foul committed, is called Who Kicked Cock Robin?

Not I said the owl Gazing down sleepy-eyed I'm not that kind of fowl And we're on the same side
Not I said the bee Buzzing back to his hive Cock Robin kicked me And then took a dive
Not I said the grub My excuse is complete I was only a sub And - I ain't got no feet

Merse finds the x-factor

Merson said: "When the ball should have been cleared, we tried to play too much football. Patrick Vieira boots the ball into Row X when he has to."

Most players would have settled for the old Row Z line, but not Merse. Unless, of course, Vieira is just that little bit more precise.

The ghost of Harry Redknapp lives on in Merson's manager, John Gregory, though. After failing to beat West Ham last week, Gregory complained his side were "down to the bare bones".

Liverpool coach Phil Thompson, of whom it is joked that he enters a room 30 seconds after his nose, has been mocked this season with the cry: "Sit down Pinocchio!" when he stands by the dugout. Despite their table-topping exploits and successes in Europe, Liverpool were criticised by Roma for their supposedly unattractive way of playing. Reuters reported the story as: 'Thompson says, let's get ugly'.

Those poor lambs who wear gloves for chilly matches in December may take note of what happened with Chelsea's UEFA Cup conquerors Hapoel Tel Aviv. The Israelis reached the fourth round despite playing in Arctic conditions of minus 14 degrees in Ramenskoye, when they beat Lokomotiv Moscow 1-0. Their players all wore special thermal underpants.

Robbie Savage wins football's Village Idiot of the week award but you have to admire his honesty for owning up to a little mishap.
The Leicester City midfielder said: "I was trying to catch a fieldmouse in my garage so I laid down a few traps.
"But after a couple of days I wasn't sure whether the traps were working so I picked up one to take a look at the piece of cheese. No sooner did I touch the cheese than the spring coiled back and the trap clamped itself round my finger.
"I was in agony for a couple of minutes and was dancing around the garage before I finally managed to pull off the trap."
However, Notebook is pleased to report that the mouse tale has a happy ending. Savage recovered to switch on the city centre Christmas lights with Coronation Street star Roy Cropper.

Carlton watch . . . four defeats on the trot since Notebook-started following Carlton Palmer's reign at Stockport. Still, all is not lost as the manager, pondering what to do after Saturday's home defeat by Wimbledon, explained what is missing. "We deserved to win and all we need is someone prepared to die for us on the end of crosses."
Hmm. Wonder if the Messiah has an agent and can he be signed before Saturday's trip to leaders Burnley?

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