Sport on TV: England vs Australia, Crusaders vs Lions and more - Dan Jones runs through what to watch this weekend

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Dan Jones9 June 2017

The TV Guide, not being one for going outside when there’s a 50in 4K to gawp at and a game of netball on Sky Sports Mix, has very little experience of the thing people call ‘weather’.

However, we hear tell from the BBC website that it has been dreadful of late: gales, hail, plagues of frogs and the sort of driving rain that makes a man wish he had nothing to do but sit on his sofa watching telly.

The chief sporting victim of this week’s meteorological Old Testamenting has been the ICC Champions Trophy. Matches have been either rained off, rain-shortened or played in the sort of conditions that make you wonder why the English — a people historically and culturally defined by their lack of exposure to vitamin D — invented a game that is basically impossible in the wet.

Eccentric? Idiotic? As Mrs TV Guide is so fond of saying: “We just don’t care any more and we wish we’d never married you.” The point is that the show must go on, and by that we mean there will be several more cricket matches drenched like a bad dog in a duckpond before this tournament is through.

This is particularly bad news for Australia, whose two group matches so far, against New Zealand and Bangladesh, have both been abandoned with no result due to climate snafu. So, through no fault of their own, Steve Smith and his merry band of cobbers must now beat England — and the clouds — at Edgbaston tomorrow or be knocked out of the tournament.

This is obviously massively unfair and, in an Ashes year, the TV Guide is in no way killing ourself laughing at Australian cricket’s misfortune. No. That would be childish and ha... and not funny... ha... and ha ha ha... — no, stop it, let’s get a grip.

The fact is, the Aussies need to win. But even if the rain currently forecast in the Birmingham area for tomorrow turns out to be fake news, they will do well to get past a hard-hitting England side.

Eoin Morgan’s men have won 10 of their past 11 ODI matches, regularly banging out scores exceeding 300, and are finding a rare depth and skill in their bowling attack, even with Chris Woakes sidelined with a side-strain.

In Pictures | England Champions Trophy

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When England thumped New Zealand on Tuesday, Jake Ball (left) and Adil Rashid did the damage, and captain Morgan is only carrying one player who is really out of form: Jason Roy. He can either give the Surrey batsman the time to find his form or replace him with the outstanding Jonny Bairstow — a luxurious decision to have.

The TV Guide can scarcely believe we are writing this, but in one-day cricket this ‘summer’ England have become the team to beat. Throw a bucket of water on us, mother, and slap us in the face: the TV Guide is certain we must be hallucinating.

Don’t look, Gordon... rivals won’t need magic this time

Scotland vs England

Hampden Park, ITV & Sky Sports 1, 5pm

Getty Images

In Euro 96, England needed Uri Geller’s spoon powers to help them beat Scotland. These days they could play Geller behind Harry Kane and still stroll past a denuded Scottish team whom they jazzed 3-0 at Wembley last November.

England are waltzing World Cup Qualifying Group F in first place. Scotland are fourth, behind Slovenia and Slovakia. By the TV Guide’s reckoning this makes Gordon Strachan’s side the fifth worst team beginning with S in Europe (we’re counting Spain and Serbia here, too). So let’s be straight: England have no business losing on Saturday, and the TV Guide’s Jeopardy-o-Meter is reading lowwww.

On the other hand: longstanding jingoistic neighbourly hoo-ha, Braveheart, and so on. With this in mind, the TV Guide will be flicking between the three (yes, three) channels all showing the match live. One channel for every goal England win by? The TV Guide senses hate mail coming our way, so we’ll stop now and let you get on with your weekend. Adieu.

Now there’s no excuses for missing the Lions

Crusaders vs Lions

Saturday, Sky Sports 1, 8.35am

Getty Images

Warren Gatland was phlegmatic after the Lions were beaten 22-16 on Wednesday by the Blues: the worst Super Rugby side in New Zealand.

The TV Guide was less content, and it was only the children crying that stopped us putting our size 12 fleece-lined slipper through the television screen in frustration.

But what the hell? The TV Guide may be morally bankrupt and physically decrepit, but we’re a sucker for a Lions game. So we’ll be there again on Saturday at peak hangover o’clock to watch the tourists play the Crusaders. A lot of people have been asking the TV Guide how they can watch the Lions if they don’t have Sky Sports, and we have one simple answer: the pubs are open at breakfast time, baby!

There’s also Now TV (nowtv.com) which will allow you to stream the games online legitimately for a fee of less than a tenner, although it’s also worth noting that THE PUBS ARE OPEN AT BREAKFAST TIME, BABY!

The match itself pitches the Lions against the toughest of New Zealand’s franchise sides, who are unbeaten in 14 Super Rugby games and would pummel most regular international sides into the turf.

The Lions will give starts to several of their biggest guns — George North, Conor Murray, Owen Farrell and Jonathan Davies among them — but they will need to step up very quickly to avoid a second defeat in three games on tour so far.

Can they do it? The TV Guide doesn’t have a crystal ball, but the Guinness suds in the bottom of our magic rugby-predicting pint glass say… probably not. Oh, well.

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