The War of the WAGSKIS: The real battle for Moscow
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There are surely few more impressive sights in the natural world than a group of WAGs on the move. Yesterday the United posse started to assemble, at the un-WAGly hour of 8am at Manchester airport. Behold Coleen, the blinging-est of them all, sporting an alarming Cuprinol tint and a Last Days Of Disco silver vest.
Forget the football, tonight's most keenly awaited fixture is on the sidelines
But disaster struck on landing, when her suitcase was nowhere to be found and she left the rest of the group to kick their heels in the coach as she filled in lost luggage forms. Chelsea take on Manchester United in Moscow tonight and WAG support is expected to be high.
The rivalry on the pitch, where both are seeking the Champions League title, will be lively. But oh to be a fly on the WAG wall.
So, how do they score on our blingometer - calculated from a range of factors including education, partners' earnings and devotion to unsuitable shoes?
The Manchester United WAGS
COLEEN McLOUGHLIN (WAYNE ROONEY)
Surely the Queen Wag now that Victoria is abroad. Coleen is looking forward to her wedding in Italy - and the socking great magazine deal she has got for the pictures. Apparently, it's so expensive that the mag is hoping to get three covers out of it.
Wayne and Coleen are native to Croxteth, a suburb of Liverpool, where they met aged 12 before beginning a romantic relationship at 16. A year later, the star proposed to Coleen at the uber-glamorous location of a BP garage. They live in a £3.5 million mansion in Prestbury, Cheshire. She was recently dumped as the face of Asda. Despite having hefty legs and brown hair, you can't get much WAG-ier. WAG RATING: 5/5Rooney's girl Coleen McLoughlin, Ronaldo's girlfriend Nereida Gallardo and wife of Nemanja Vidic, Ana Ivanovic
NEREIDA GALLARDO (CRISTIANO RONALDO)
Now this is more like it - Gallardo is a model, based in Mallorca, who has been pictured topless. Ronaldo seems utterly smitten - she was seen in the crowd at Old Trafford earlier this season wearing a pair of diamond No 7 earrings - a romantic tribute to her new flame's shirt number.WAG RATING: 4/5
ANA IVANOVIC (NEMANJA VIDIC)
An Economics student at University of Belgrade when she got married to Nemanja Vidic. The couple have a son, Luka. Her only claim to fame is that she has exactly the same name as a Serbian tennis star.
WAG rating: 0/5
Paul Scholes' wife Claire, Patrice Evra's wife Sandra, and Gigg's girl Stacey Cooke
CLAIRE SCHOLES (PAUL SCHOLES)
Deep tan, high heels: Claire Scholes certainly seems to fit the bill as she arrives at Manchester Airport. She is 32, and a fulltime mum to Aaron, Alicia and Aiden.
The couple live in what almost seems a modest £600,000 farmhouse on Saddleworth Moor, Oldham. As is usual for WAGs, Paul and Claire are childhood sweethearts. Claire says: "To me he's just the nice guy who's always been there for me." One suspects she isn't really trying. WAG rating: 3/5
SANDRA EVRA (PATRICE EVRA)
Sandra and French-Senegalese player Patrice have a son, Lenny, together and live in Manchester.
They hate Manchester far too much for her to be a WAG.Patrice has said that moving from Monaco in the South of France to the North-West of England was very hard on both Sandra and Lenny because the weather and food are so awful.WAG rating: 0/5
STACEY COOKE (RYAN GIGGS)
You can't help but feel sorry for Stacey Cooke, because she ended up with a completely hushhush register office wedding last September - never mind purple thrones, she didn't have proper flowers. It is, though, a love match for her and Giggs.
They live a secluded life in a £1.9 million six-bedroom house in Worsley, near Manchester, with their two children, Liberty, five, and Zach, 19 months.WAG rating: 1/5
Carlos Tevez childhood sweetheart Vanessa Mansillo; Footballers' Wife, Wes Brown's Leanne Wassell; Under radar Anne-Marie van Kesteren is wife of Edwin Van Der Sar
VANESSA MANSILLO (CARLOS TEVEZ)
A scandal here: Manchester United striker Carlos Tevez impregnanted his childhood sweetheart Vanessa while he was dating Argentinian model Natalia Fassi. But he cut Fassi loose when the scandal broke and went back to his forgiving original woman - pictured yesterday at the airport.
Tevez and Mansillo now live the quiet life with their daughter, Florence, aged two. WAG rating: 2/5
LEANNE WASSELL (WES BROWN)
Leanne lives in Alderley Edge, Cheshire, with Brown and their two daughters, Halle and Lilia.
Rumoured to have upset the neighbours by planning to knock down and build again their Footballers' Wives-style mansion - at a cost of £4 million. Arriving at Manchester Airport yesterday she sported maroon hair. Nil points. WAG rating: 2/5
ANNE-MARIE VAN KESTEREN (EDWIN VAN DER SAR)
Manages to live under the media radar. Romance is said to have blossomed for Van Der Sar after he met pretty Anne-Marie in her brother's grocery shop in Amsterdam.
They were married in 2006 at Amsterdam's Beurs Van Berlage station, which is now used as a conference hall.
They have two children, Joe and Lynne. WAG rating: 0/5
Rio Ferdinand's WAG, Rebecca Ellison and Michael Carrick's Lisa Roughead
REBECCA ELLISON (RIO FERDINAND)
What's this? Her own bosoms, a real woman's figure and a child in tow.
Ellison, 26, seems to have nothing in common with the other WAGs - apart, that is, from a willingness to turn a blind eye.
Ellison stayed with Ferdinand after his five-year affair with an air stewardess was exposed and, last year, she accepted his marriage proposal in Las Vegas.WAG rating: 2/5
LISA ROUGHEAD (MICHAEL CARRICK)
Blonde and slender Lisa, 25, pictured yesterday at Manchester Airport, is probably too down-to-earth to be a WAG proper.
She rather bucks the trend, being a Pilates instructor. She also did not sell their £250,000 wedding last year to a celebrity magazine, which really is not playing the game.
She met her future husband when they were both at Burnside Community High School in Wallsend.WAG rating: 2/5
The Chelsea WAGS:Famous in her own right as a member of Girls Aloud, Cheryl remains married to Ashley even though he cheated on her with hairdresser Aimee Walton earlier this year.
Cheryl remains devastated by the falling out, having taken off her ring - perhaps even for good.
They were married in Hertfordshire in 2006 with a little help from original WAG Victoria Beckham and a £1 million cheque from those nice folk at OK! magazine.WAG rating: 5/5
Popstrel Cheryl, wife of Ashley Cole; Lampard's Elen Rives; Fitness instructor fiance of Joe Cole, Carly Zucker
ELEN RIVES (FRANK LAMPARD)Virtually a star in her own right, but only for being a world-class shopper and a bit fierce with Frank when he needs to be kept in line. A native of Barcelona, home is now a £4 million house in Chelsea.They have two daughters. Trouble came when Lamps was caught with someone who wasn't Elen in his hotel. A WAG from hair to heels. Once turfed off a flight after arriving with six pieces of hand luggage. Has a fondness for vodka and Red Bull.
WAG rating: 5/5
CARLY ZUCKER (JOE COLE)
She and Joe started dating six years ago after meeting in a bar when she was only 18. Joe popped the question at The Ivy restaurant last year with a £50,000 ring. Aaah.
They are looking for a venue for their wedding this summer and are supposed to be thinking of the state apartments at the Royal Hospital, Chelsea.
Carly lives with Joe in Cobham, Surrey, and works as a fitness instructor. She's as thin as Posh, but without the implants or the attitude.WAG rating: 3/5
Anelka's wife Barbara Tausia leads a nomadic life; Ballack's WAG Simone Lambe; Drogba's wife Alla
BARBARA TAUSIA (NICHOLAS ANELKA)
The wife of the most nomadic footballer in the Premier League, Barbara has had to follow her husband around Europe, but Nicolas claims he is finally settled in West London.
Barbara no longer works as a dancer - she was a performer on a weekly television show in France. The couple married on June 7, 2007 in Morocco.WAG rating: 3/5
SIMONE LAMBE (MICHAEL BALLACK)
Slender, blonde and stunning, Simone lives in Wimbledon, South London, with Ballack and their three children.
They met when she was working as a waitress in what was then East Germany. He is now one of the world's highest-paid players, earning £130,000 a week.
Ballack was once fined for not paying the Customs duty on a Fendi bag. Bless.WAG rating: 2/5
ALLA DROGBA (DIDIER DROGBA)
Alla met Didier in Paris in the early Nineties. She is from Mali, West Africa, and they have three children - their eldest son was born in 1999.
Despite a French connection, Alla and Didier are keen to stay in the UK after he stops playing. Didier is revered in his home country of Ivory Coast, where his clothes are copied and kids want to dance like him.WAG rating: 1/5
Carvalho's Carina; Florencia Malouda and Petr Cech's Martina
CARINA CARVALHO (RICARDO CARVALHO)
With her long dark tresses and pale skin, Portuguese Carina doesn't look like her fellow WAGs - even though she could easily carry off a Mediterranean shade of fake tan.
Kept her cool when Rooney jumped on her husband's testicles. They have a son called Rodrigo. WAG rating: 1/5
FLORENCIA MALOUDA (FLORENT MALOUDA)
This beautiful Brazilian and her husband are known as The Two Flos. They have one son, Aaron, and two daughters, Kelys and Satya.
Far too discreet and elegant to be a real wag, Florencia is dedicated to her husband - having known him since he was a junior player. Born in French Guiana, he is an old friend of Didier Drogba.WAG rating: 1/5
MARTINA CECH (PETR CECH)
Home is one of those giant piles in Weybridge, Surrey, and Martina is a familiar sight in the town, where she's known for being ferociously wellgroomed.
She met her goalkeeper husband at school and followed him from their native Czech Republic to France and now London.
They have a baby girl, Adela Cechova, born in January this year. Petr missed the birth because he was playing in an 'important' game.WAG rating: 1/5
And some other vital statistics... £80m: The approximate amount the winners of tonight’s game can expect to make
2: Number of times Manchester United have won the European Cup (the trophy that awaits the winners of the Champions League) — in 1968 and 1999.
£245m: Manchester United’s annual turnover last year. Only Spanish giants Real Madrid had a bigger turnover, with £263 million.
£666m: Amount owed to financial institutions by United’s owners, the Glazer family, whose estimated worth is a mere £1.3 billion. They pay £81 million in interest every year.
£130,000: What Chelsea players John Terry and Frank Lampard each pick up for a working week. That may sometimes include a whole three hours of actual football. That’s £6.7 million a year.
£37,000: The derisory sum earned each week by the lowest-paid player on either side, United’s left-back Patrice Evra. That’s £1.9 million a year.
£749: Cheapest price announced by Chelsea for a package deal of ticket and flight, excluding accommodation.
19m: Highest ever British TV audience for a Champions League game, when Manchester United beat Bayern Munich in the 1999 final.
£400,000: Cost per minute of TV advertising slots in the UK during tonight’s match.
£90m: Amount paid each year jointly by ITV and Sky to broadcast Champions League games in this country, a figure that will rise to £135 million in 2009.
4: Chelsea's ranking in the world football money league. They struggle along on a turnover of £190 million per annum.
5,000: Number of crack riot police on duty inside the Luzhniki Stadium tonight.
£920m: Estimated market value of Manchester United for private sale. Chelsea are worth£390 million, although neither is quoted on the stock market.
£578m: Sum loaned to Chelsea, interest-free, by its owner Roman Abramovich.
£333m: People around the world estimated to support United.
4bn: Number of viewers who tune into Champions League matches in 227 countries each year.
£655m: Total that UEFA, the European football association, makes from Champions League sponsorship deals and TV rights each year.
£1.5bn: Amount of debt shown in the annual accounts of Manchester United and Chelsea.
32: Number of clubs who play in the Champions League every year.
£498m: Total prize money paid out to the clubs.
100m: Global TV audience for tonight’s final, according to the UEFA website.
£78,000: Average weekly wage of a United first-team player. That’s 157 times more than the average male income in the UK. The total United wage bill is £106 million a year.
£86,000: Average weekly wage at Chelsea, meaning that each boy in blue makes as much as 173 ordinary, hard-working men.
£900: Amount charged for return flights from the UK to Moscow the moment it became clear there would be two English teams in the final, up from around £270.