Londoner's Diary:Let’s not split hairs over the mystery of Phil

Simon Dawson/Bloomberg via Getty Images
Bloomberg via Getty Images
25 November 2016

With a surprisingly quip-laden Autumn Statement and tabloid revelations of his pre-matrimonial romances, it seems that Chancellor Philip Hammond has gone from Spreadsheet Phil to Man of the Moment. And if further proof was needed, The Londoner finds he’s the topic of Christmas party conversation.

Last night we were at Hatchards in Picccadilly, the oldest bookshop in London, for its annual festive shoppers’ event. Authors and readers alike joined together for a night of wine and mince pies but it was an absent Hammond who dominated our conversations, with guests including former Home Secretary Alan Johnson. “Philip Hammond is the type of person who lights up a room when he leaves,” Johnson said, deadpan. Then, warming to his theme, he brought up “cheeky snog” memories of Hammond’s former classmate Nina Stratford earlier this week. “An ex-girlfriend said she necked a bottle of sherry beforehand,” Johnson sniped. “It is a bit like Nicholas Soames: one of his ex-lovers said it was like a wardrobe had fallen on her with the key in it.”

The Londoner, thinking this a little cruel, wandered off for a selfie with Michael Heseltine then went to test the waters with bonkbuster queen Jilly Cooper. “Ghastly,” she exclaimed when we asked for her opinion on Hammond. She then covered her mouth regretfully and explained that her feeling of revulsion stems from his follicles rather than finances. “The way he splits his hair in the middle is all wrong,” she said. “It should split from the side.” Isn’t a split in the middle a great metaphor for post-Brexit Britain?

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ALSO at the party was Julian Fellowes, whose 2004 society novel Snobs is being turned into a TV programme. Considering his period drama Downton Abbey brought an American into British society, would Lord Fellowes consider casting Prince Harry’s new girlfriend Meghan Markle in the adaptation? “She’s very good,” he said. “I’ve seen her in Suits. I’d put her in anything if she was right for the part — why not? People talk about [how] she hasn’t gotten anywhere herself, but she has.” If he ends up casting her, could The Londoner request a finders’ fee?

Plaudits for bedroom disappointment

TO FOYLE’S in Charing Cross last night for the inaugural Books Are My Bag Readers Awards. The ceremony was hosted by Meera Syal and winners included Bill Bryson and Julia Donaldson. Nikesh Shukla’s The Good Immigrant, a collection of essays, beat JK Rowling to the plaudit of book of the year. But is he ready for Rowling levels of fame? “Luckily, as a writer, I’ll never be famous,” he told us. “I spent a lot of my twenties as a really average rapper. Now I’d rather disappoint readers privately in their own bedrooms.” He paused. “Oh, that sounds rude, doesn’t it?” Yes, we replied. Now that the awards are rolling in, we expect he’ll step out of the literary shadows soon.

Wilde is still the talk of the town

Last night jeweller Mappin & Webb threw a Christmas party at its Regent Street boutique. Actress and face of the brand, Gabriella Wilde and calligrapher Paul Antonio, was guest of honour.Wilde plays high-society girl Caroline Penvenen in Poldark but wouldn’t have had to go too method for the role: she is the great-granddaughter of Sir Fitzroy Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe but she dropped the names. “I was going to change my name for obvious reasons and I couldn’t think of a name to change it to,” she has said. “I was with my agent and she just suggested Wilde because we were looking through her bookcases and an Oscar Wilde was there.” The playwright would, we’re sure, be thrilled to still be represented on the party scene.

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On December 12, six months on from the Orlando shooting, London’s creatives will club together. Finsbury Park’s Park Theatre will host a two-hour culmination of the After Orlando theatre project, for which more than 50 plays have been written in response to the attack. Music, poetry and various guests will frame the Chaskis Theatre ensemble’s soirée, with actor Huw Parmenter and director Sean Mathias set to rally the masses. Proceeds go to support LGBT charity Stonewall.

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Yesterday we reported guests at Nigel Farage’s smoke-filled Ritz party telling us of a tiff between Daily Express owner Richard Desmond and former Ukip treasurer Andrew Reid over party finances. An e-mail came over from Desmond after we’d gone to press: “The only heated discussion I recall was with someone about whether Phil Collins was a good drummer or not” — Desmond has a drumkit in his office. No word on the conclusion to this vital debate as yet.

By-election turns into a Tory soap

FIONA Syms the unofficial Tory candidate in the Richmond Park and North Kingston by-election, is an old friend of Chancellor Philip Hammond. “I’ve never seen Philip in a flap, he makes good decisions — important when you have people like Boris in the Cabinet who are slightly bonkers,” she told us.

Her own campaign in RPNK is a bit guerilla. When incumbent Tory Zac Goldsmith resigned over Heathrow’s third runway, to stand as an independent, Theresa May decided not to fight the seat. So Syms picked up the true-blue mantle. She has political nous: she worked for Jonathan Aitken and was married to Tory whip Robert Syms. She also has a soapbox and megaphone and is running a zero-expenses campaign to keep the seat blue. “I haven’t met a Zac backer yet,” said Syms. “Zac’s a Tory who chose to go Indy, I’m a Tory who has no choice but to go Indy.” You’d never see Zac on a soapbox.

Nigella’s kangaroo court

THE Londoner suspects some culinary casanovas would do anything to be held in the arms of Nigella Lawson. They will envy Carla the kangaroo: the domestic goddess was in Margaret River, western Australia, for the 2016 Gourmet Escape and today published a write-up on her website which included this shot of her cradling the joey. “Even in my jet-lagged state, I am still grateful about it all,” she wrote. “It was just so magical, from the scenery, the fact that I arrived on the night of the Supermoon (a good sign, obviously!), drinking rainwater and even getting a baby kangaroo to cuddle — and I’m not usually the sweet little furry animals kind of a person.”

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