Londoner's Diary: Don’t forget to book all the Queen’s horses

 
Royal progress: the Queen on the way to the State Opening of Parliament (Picture: Jeremy Selwyn)
JEREMY SELWYN
2 April 2015

A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! Earlier this month, The Londoner reported worries over the State Opening of the new Parliament. There were fears that the ceremony, during which the Queen shows up in her carriage and all her finery to welcome a new day in British politics, might clash with her far more fun garden party commitments. Now, however, comes a much more pressing concern: what about the horses’ schedule?

The ceremony requires several fillies, but we’re told that they don’t get out of their stables at the drop of a crown. An in-the-know equestrian reveals that it’s much more complicated: “As if the days following the election won’t be chaotic enough, with frantic deals being made all over the shop, it turns out that because the horses that pull the Queen’s carriage have to come down from Windsor and practise trotting down The Mall, they absolutely refuse to appear without being booked at least two weeks in advance.”

The Queen is likely to be driven to the Palace of Westminster in her souped-up new Diamond Jubilee state coach that is handily kept in the Royal Mews. The carriage is fitted with various nifty mod-cons, such as a hidden camera to film the crowds.

Although James Roscoe, the Queen’s communications secretary, says the palace “does not anticipate any problems with the horses,” perhaps the issue will put Cameron, with all his talk of not standing for a third term, in mind of the old adage — not to put the ceremonial coach before the horses.

Should Clegg be eyeing up small ads?

In light of Lord Ashcroft’s most recent polling, Nick Clegg would be wise to start eyeing up the small ads. The Londoner assumes it hasn’t escaped the Lib-Dem leader’s notice that Aussie actor Hugh Jackman announced this week that he’ll soon be standing down from his longstanding role as Wolverine and we were wondering whether the candidate for Sheffield Hallam has considered a change in career.

Could we see Nick throwing his hat into the X-Men ring? Clegg’s people say they are aware of the opening. Marvel Comics were a little more dubious.

Gatiss calls for a renamed coalition

Fresh from playing Peter Mandelson, in Channel 4’s Coalition, Mark Gatiss has a spin suggestion of his own. “Here’s the thing that intrigues me,” said the actor when we ran into him recently, “if the Tories are the biggest party and the Lib-Dems, despite significant losses, are still kingmakers, will everything just carry on as it is? My one regret,” added the Left-wing Sherlock star, “is that no one calls them the Con-Dems. Why didn’t that catch on?”

The Londoner promised to help spread the word. “Good luck — you’ve got about 35 days,” laughed Gatiss, “or alternatively, another five years!”

A bible for the beautiful people

Fashion journalist Louise Roe was at the Ralph Lauren Bond Street store last night to launch her new book Front Roe: How to Be the Leading Lady in Your Own Life. Guests included TV presenter Marissa Montgomery and singer Ashley Roberts, who showed up in support of the book, which seeks to give fashion and lifestyle tips.

Support: Marissa Montgomery, Louise Roe and Ashley Roberts (Picture: Dave Benett)

“With a little nudging and direction, everybody can develop their own personal style,” Roe says about the tome. “No matter their shape, age or wallet size.” Strange, then, that we only spotted slim, young, well-heeled guests at the party.

Women in a Wodehouse wonderland

Good to see that the Bollinger Everyman Wodehouse prize, which rewards achievements in comedy fiction, has finally addressed the gender balance. Its shortlist was announced earlier this week, and will pit Caitlin Moran, Helen Lederer, Nina Stibbe, Irvine Welsh, Joseph O’Neill and Alexander McCall Smith against each other for the title of the year’s funniest novelist. For Lederer, pictured, stand-up comic and Absolutely Fabulous actress, it’s been a long time coming.

“It seems that, finally, the only one-off literary prize for comedy has put three women on a six-person shortlist,” she tells us.

“That in itself should prove something. I’ve always wanted to show that women’s comedy fiction can be on a par with men. I met Caitlin in the hairdressers a few weeks ago and we were having our hair washed side by side — it was a weird moment. We had a conversation and we were keen to share each other’s experiences. The perk of being women is that it was an opportunity afforded to us. I don’t think you’d get that with two men.”

The competition will be stiff but it’s definitely worth fighting for. The winner receives a case of vintage champagne and the complete Everyman Wodehouse. Not forgetting the tradition of having a pig named after the winning book. Just for the hilarity, The Londoner is kind of hoping O’Neill’s The Dog wins.

Fooling around at Gotshal & Manges

Delight at City law firm Weil, Gotshal & Manges yesterday where an all-company memo outlined an inspired directive. Addressing the firm’s work/life balance, the new policy banned emails in the evenings or while on holiday, a step in the right direction for an industry where all-nighters are de rigueur. Staff were less impressed by the small-print: April Fools, guys. Get back to work.

Boyd the starmaker ...

William Boyd: novelist, screenwriter — and starmaker? Boyd, best known for his beloved book Any Human Heart, was at Bafta’s Piccadilly HQ last night for short story showcase Pin Drop. When would he return to film-making, asked a fan. The Trench, Boyd’s sole directorial project, was released in 1999 and starred a fresh-faced Daniel Craig, Ben Whishaw and Danny Dyer.

“The film is famous because of the then very unknown actors, and now they’re very successful,” Boyd laughed. “So of course they owe it all to me. I will do it again one day. But it’s also very hard work, and we’re very spoilt and lazy, us novelists: working until late in the night isn’t quite what one signed up for.”

Time to dig up some new bright young things for Trench 2?

Detox of the day for the Pope, who has been advised by aides to cut down on his daily bowl of spaghetti. Pasta la vista, baby.

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