Londoner's Diary: Boris Johnson is no way a Homer, and bard is a misnomer

Yoshikazu Tsuno / Getty Images
23 October 2015

Boris Johnson, 21st century bard — with a bit of poetic licence. Somewhere on his cycle between City Hall and Westminster, and in the breaks between tapping out his biography of William Shakespeare, Johnson has found time to pen some poetry — 10 stanzas of it, in fact. Simon Armitage, watch out.

Boris’s poetic endeavours appear in the foreword for the US edition of childhood chum Rachel Kelly’s depression memoir, Black Rainbow. The Mayor, of course, is well versed in the subject of depression after writing Winston Churchill’s biography — he said of the wartime prime minister that he “wrote to keep the black dog of depression at bay”. And anyone familiar with the plot of Hamlet (spoiler: everyone dies) knows that Shakespeare isn’t exactly a barrel of laughs.

When Black Rainbow launched here in May, Johnson made a speech at the launch. Not just any speech: complete with a poem, If Your Life Has Gone to Pieces. In print in Kelly’s book for the first time, it includes such Wordsworthian lines as: “If your fuse is going to blow/ Try some Edgar Allan Poe./ If you’ve got a carcinoma/ Try a line or two of Homer.”

In Black Rainbow, Johnson warns his US audience that his 10-stanza poetic effort “attracted more scorn and derision than almost anything I have ever written”. Such modesty — until you remember that an academic study into the fictional scribblings of politicians recently pinpointed Boris as among the worst Westminster novelists.

Come on, Boris, make our dreams come true and pen something worthy of the Bad Sex Awards.

***

Considering recent discoveries, last night’s launch of David Horspool’s Richard III: A Ruler and his Reputation should have been held in a car park. But because of the cold, it took place at the Bloomsbury Books HQ instead. Horspool said the king would have enjoyed a launch party. “In fact, Richard III got in trouble with the Croyland Chronicle for partying at Christmas time. And a study of his bones suggests he drank a bottle of wine a day.” He could have been a diarist.

Rowley’s parmesan custard comeback

Get out the anchovy toast: Rowley Leigh is cooking in London again. When the much-adored chef sold Le Café Anglais last September, taking his parmesan custard with him, The Londoner wept. But we can finally stop snivelling into our napkins, as he’s back behind the burners at new Soho House space, 76 Dean Street. In June news came out that Leigh had been appointed consultant for the Soho House group, after a stint as consultant for Odeon Whiteleys, and that parmesan custard is on the new menu. But some lucky Leigh lovers will get their cheesy brûlée made by the man himself. While nursing a G&T at 76 Dean Street the other night, we spotted Leigh emerging from the kitchen in chef’s whites and looking happy to be back in action. He hasn’t yet responded to The Londoner’s query about what’s on the menu tonight.

Eastern promise fulfilled

A garage full of exposed wires, hipsters and artfully draped shirts — it could only be a fashion party out east. The first birthday of Whistles menswear, to be precise, at Shoreditch’s Protein Studios last night, where actor James Norton and actress Gemma Chan, swilled craft beer with Dominic Cooper, below. TV presenter Rick Edwards was busy proving purple is just so in this season by sporting a corker of a black eye.

Centre stage awaits for Dame Mary

Dame Mary Archer: Pantomime calling?
Chris Jackson / Getty Images

Only the glammest of parties will do for The Londoner: last night we were at the Science Museum for the unveiling by Princess Anne of the extraordinary “world’s oldest clock collection”, formerly housed at the The Guildhall. Curated by Sir George Whyte, his wife Joanna declared: “You can forget the misnomer that the Swiss make the best watches. It has always been London — and indeed it still is.”

Hey, we make the best female scientists too: see, for example, party guests philanthropist Lady Estelle Wolfson, who is championing women in the medical profession and indeed everywhere she goes, and Dame Mary Archer, pictured, chair of the Science Museum. Not a word of libel to say that she is as elegant, fragrant and even radiant as ever. Husband Jeffrey, at least, seems to think so, insisting that “women are completely in awe of her”.

Dame Mary has no time for that sentimental nonsense — she’s far too busy planning a burgeoning stage career. “It’s actually rather nice being a Dame”, she told us. “It’s a bit panto but then again that’s quite fun.”

Ooh. Dame Mary treading the boards? “Well, I’m a big fan of The Archers and I bet Linda Snell is at it again this year. In terms of me doing panto, I wouldn’t actually rule it out, you know.” The Londoner has a few casting directors lined up. Soon the Science Museum will be behind you.

***

Poor Tim Fallon. Or Tim Farron, The Londoner can’t be sure. Yesterday The Sun printed a full-page piece by the Lib-Dem leader but got his name wrong. Today, the tabloid ran an apology.

“Although the Lib-Dems have slipped from the public eye in recent months, we should have managed to spell his name correctly... We apologise to Mr Farron and our Lib-Dem reader.”

Pippa the lion-tamer

Pippa Middleton, pictured, party-planning sister of the Duchess of Cambridge, recently split from boyfriend Nico Jackson but has more important things to worry about than heartbreak. Last night she wrapped up in a white wool poncho for the American Express Conservation Lecture at the Royal Geographical Society in Kensington, focusing on Tanzania’s lion population. The talk, by conservationist Dr Amy Dickman, was called Money, Myths & Man-Eaters — Pippa’s specialist subject if she’s been paying attention at her extended family’s shindigs.

Stickler of the day to Liz Kendall, objecting to Andrew Neil stating on This Week that she got four per cent of the Labour leadership vote. “4.5 per cent!” she exclaimed. Much better, Liz.

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