Tall Tales: War of words

How will a literary death match end, wonders Jack Southan
13 April 2012

The publishing house Picador’s invitation to a ‘Literary Death Match’ conjured images of Oscar Wilde and Jean-Paul Sartre, clad in battered chainmail, elegantly swinging bloodied battle axes at each other in some sort of gladiatorial face-off. In some ways this wasn’t too far from the reality.

Literary Death Match is a global event that pits four authors against one another, reading excerpts from their most rousing works in seven minutes or less to a rowdy audience and a panel of star judges. On this particular Monday evening, in the gleaming new Kings Place building in King’s Cross, a battle was brewing, with Will Le Fleming reading from his novel Central Reservation; James Smythe from his new book The Testimony; Naomi Wood from her title The Godless Boys; and Marie Phillips (below), having had her book Gods Behaving Badly turned into a Hollywood film, instead reading an untested short story about the joys of male escorts.

In the roles of Simon Cowell and co sat three of Britain’s sharpest satirical intellects: Jane Bussmann of Brass Eye and South Park fame, Jon Ronson, writer of The Men Who Stare At Goats, and the pun-crazed author DJ Taylor, who won the Whitbread award in 2004 with his George Orwell biography.

Also in attendance was an eclectic audience of students, media luvvies and bookworms, who all took their seats in the plush, oak-clad theatre. But I didn’t let the subtle blue mood lighting and buttock cuddling chairs fool me; this was going to be an intellectual bloodbath.

The writers courageously battled it out with their readings in a three-round mêlée of verbal valour; a mix of emotive narratives and razor-sharp comedy. The crowd found their voices as the night progressed and a noisy soundtrack of cheers, jeers and laughter set the level for the judges to play up to. Le Fleming took down Smythe in the first round after the judges decided that Smythe’s scruffy-yet-preppy fashion choice was from the ‘Gap gang-bangers’ range’, presumably a no-no in literary circles. Marie Phillips took the second round with her imagined tale of David Tennant and Daniel Craig as delightful gigolos.

In the end there was no gruesome dismemberment; instead, the finale consisted of a rather peculiar ‘egg-book-bowling-game’. Paperbacks replaced pins and finalists Phillips and Le Fleming were given generous fistfuls of Cream Eggs to use as balls. Phillips was crowned ultimate Literary Death Match champion thanks to her superior chocolate chucking precision. ‘I’m just speechless to have won,’ she told me afterwards. ‘I was terrified because everyone else had done real readings and I’d just done something silly about sleeping with male prostitutes!’ Aspiring novelists, take note.

The next LDM London will be held on 4 May at the Arcola Theatre (literarydeath match.com)

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