The other woman: what it was really like dating someone in an open relationship

Lifestyle

The other woman: what it was really like dating someone in an open relationship

Writer Juliana Close (not her real name) navigates the highs and lows of dating someone in an open relationship
Juliana Close9 February 2024

I love Hinge. Most people don’t. I think the key to using any dating app is only doing so when you’re feeling good about yourself. Dear God, never turn to the apps if you’re seeking validation or a pick-me-up of some sort. Your mood will only worsen and any remnant of self-love will only implode. I stress, Hinge is only to be used for lighthearted, flirtatious fun.

The same principle can be applied when dating someone in an open relationship. A few months ago, while browsing the app, I came across a hot, east London-based lesbian I’d never seen before — a rare thing as a fellow (hopefully hot) east London-based lesbian. On her profile, it clearly stated that she was in an open relationship. Not a problem, I thought. After all, I was looking for mischief, not ‘the one’.

Getting ready to meet her for the first time, I realised there were potentially more layers to this than easy-breezy, no-consequences fun. A small, deluded part of me hoped that her dating profile was outdated and she was actually single. Meanwhile, the other side of me — the somewhat menacing, highly competitive side — was ready for the challenge.

Let me be clear, no one should ever date someone who’s in an open relationship with the intention of luring them away from their partner. Still, as much as I suppressed it, my chaotic, girlfriend-stealing streak bubbled below the surface.

After two months of dating I had learnt three things: 1) People are not only in love with their partners, but with the life and friendships they’ve built together. Thus, unfortunately, I was never going to win this fight. 2) I had no desire to meet the girlfriend. Talk about her all you want, but I didn’t want to start hanging out as a trio. And 3) The moment it became anything but a joyful addition to my life, I would end it.

This last point was the most important. When dating someone in an open relationship who is committed to their primary partner, you have to be aware that there’s only so far it can go. If I ever felt the pang of jealousy, pain, anxiety or confusion, it would be time to say goodbye.

We weren’t about to jump from wife and mistress to full-blown throuple

Another few months went by, and to my surprise, no pangs. By this point I had become the longest side-chick since her and her girlfriend had been together. We joked that she had the wife and I was the mistress (a title I didn’t mind at all).

Eventually, the girlfriend wanted to meet. I put it off for as long as I could, worried that seeing them in the same space might trigger jealousy in me, but finally the day came. Once again I surprised myself. No drama, no jealousy, dare I say we even... got on? We weren’t about to jump from wife and mistress to full-blown throuple, but we certainly cleared the air of any potential animosity. Everything was going far too well.

Of course, the first twinge of envy came unexpectedly. I knew my place with the wife and had given up trying to compete with her... but other mistresses? Absolutely not. Smooching other women while we’re at the club? No thank you. A different date every night of the week? I refuse to be a name on a list. That’s the thing about being the other woman — when it becomes other women, suddenly it’s much less sexy.

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