Louis Wise on finding a bearable brand of masculinity for the new Bond

Shouldn’t a new Bond be vegan? And open about his mental health?
Daniel Craig will be reprising his role for a fifth and final time in the new James Bond film
AP
Louis Wise8 May 2019

The news that Phoebe Waller-Bridge is rewriting the new Bond film comes as no surprise; as of this news cycle the Fleabag star is the solution to all of our big problems, from feminism to comedy to sex. (I believe she’s going to be rebuilding Notre Dame next week.) This is, though, just a fig leaf to cover Bond’s more bulging concern, which is what happens when Daniel Craig jumps ship. How will masculinity tart itself up next?

Craig’s Bond has shaped the way a whole generation of blokes see themselves — with the emphasis on the word ‘shape’. Ever since he emerged from the sea in those sky-blue Speedos, every City bro solemnly swore to never, ever, skip Leg Day again. In 2019, though, it feels like that mood has passed. Shouldn’t a new Bond be vegan? Shouldn’t he be open about his mental health? Hell, shouldn’t he be non-binary? ‘It’s “they”, bitch,’ he spits, as he finishes off some evil overlord intent on clogging our quinoa supplies with plastics.

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A whole host of actors are being touted to take over, but none of them seem quite right. Tom Hiddleston tries too hard, Tom Holland is much too young, and Tom Hardy hasn’t spoken a proper sentence in a film since 2011. I know Bond growls but there are limits. Then there’s Richard Bodyguard Madden, who might be my favourite if only because I interviewed him last year and he spent the whole time smoking, scoffing potatoes and swearing like a trooper.

The next Bond faces the problem most men suffer these days, which is knowing how to put maximum effort into everything without showing the slightest sign of strain. Never have those well-honed legs had to paddle so hard as you manage work, relationships, training and diet, but always feeling hashtag-sodding-blessed. Perhaps, then, Chris Hemsworth is the most feasible candidate. The Thor star has just launched Centr, a fitness app proposing training routines, recipes and tips for meditation. It’s basically Goop for men minus the vaginal steaming (as yet).

Hemsworth is very up for Bond, and I suppose we should welcome a happy, healthy, non-toxic and totally reconstructed hero. But Christ it sounds awful. If 007 starts sipping protein smoothies, all bets are off. For starters, you have to shake and stir them.

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