The new Lean In: less feeling, more doing

To smash the glass ceiling, should women follow men and focus on results rather than their emotions, asks Susannah Butter
Women at Work. Photo: Rex Features
5 June 2013

A shortage of successful women at work could be holding the country back. Yesterday equalities minister Maria Miller warned: “While women need work, work also needs women,” as does the stagnant economy. Billionaire investor Warren Buffet recently said that not only is helping women flourish at work the ethical thing to do, it is in a man’s interest — as it leads to greater financial success for all.

Miller is calling for businesses to encourage flexible working — but according to John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, women can also help themselves by learning from men. In his new book, Work With Me, written with gender intelligence expert Barbara Annis, Gray argues that gender differences are natural and we need to understand them and benefit from each other in order to progress. Only 12 per cent of directors appointed between March and May this year are women, down from 50 per cent a year ago, and the proportion of women on FTSE 100 boards has been stuck at 17.4 per cent since August. So can women learn from men?

The main difference between us, argues Gray, is that women tend to focus on emotion and experience, while men put a greater value on outcomes and beating the competition. By incorporating the male mindset, he claims women can avoid the biggest problem holding them back — the value they place on emotional relationships as opposed to results. “Less feeling, more doing” is a male mantra, says Gray, while women prefer to talk through conflict, empathise and praise others.

Gray argues that while there is value in emotion and making staff feel appreciated, women are prone to being consumed by guilt, which can cloud decisions.

It’s not that men aren’t emotional, but Gray found they will only tell up to three people about their feelings, negative or positive, and even then only if it’s relevant and they know them. A woman will tell up to 32 people, regardless of who they are. Instead of discussing their experience to vent stress, men try to think of solutions.

He also noted that if men seem quiet, women can get offended, but actually they are just formulating their thoughts before speaking. Women, however, tend to think aloud, which can appear meandering. When women have to present ideas in a male room, he advises they should frame their conversations in ways men will respond to: make reasons for doing things clear and suggest potential solutions. Don’t worry if men interrupt either, they are doing it naturally and it’s nothing personal. In fact, keeping the personal separate is important.

Of course, women shouldn’t completely “man up” — success always lies in the balance.

Work With Me, by Barbara Annis and John Gray, is published by Palgrave Macmillan, £16.99

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