Join the special K-Club

It’s the slimmest borough in the country where you will survive until age 90 — shame we can’t all live in Kensington & Chelsea. So fake it to make it, says Phoebe Luckhurst, as she gives her guide to gatecrashing the good life
The K-Krew: left to right, Thandie Newton, David and Victoria Beckham and family, Prince William, Sophie Dahl and the Duchess of Cambridge

There’s an elixir that holds the secret to living longer and there’s no philosopher’s stone required. It’s geographical rather than alchemical: move to Kensington, Knightsbridge or Kensal Green. People in the K-clan live long and prosper; according to figures from the London Health Observatory, average life expectancy in these areas hovers around the 90 mark. Kensington &Chelsea, according to new data, is also the slimmest borough in the country. There must be something in the water.

Unfortunately, that water is only available in those exclusive addresses and they haven’t yet bottled it. But when the stakes are this high (namely: life itself), letting little things like your own miserable salary and inconveniently absent sugar-parent foil you is defeatist. Fake it to make it into the

K-Club: all you need is your imagination and several credit cards.

Start with your body. Real members of the K-Club can spot an impostor at 50 paces: while you consider your disguise well-executed — Marant for H&M, New Gen trainers, a Mulberry Bayswater swinging from the crook of your elbow — your disappointing anatomy betrays you as the pleb you are. The leather trousers are unforgiving; your sallow skin emits a nauseous glow, like the strip lighting on a bus (note: never use a bus as a reference point. The K-Club walks, far better for soaking up the village vibe).

“All the girls I know around here are big into juicing. They get a Radiance Cleanse delivery instead of an Ocado before every half-term holiday,” explains Kensalite Shelley Martin-Light. “And we have so many fitness and health centres, the amazing Frame, the first ever Bikram studios in London, W10 Performance and Wakeman Road.”

In Kensington, it’s all about Equinox: the luxury US-import is where the hot, rich and famous work out. K-Club members submit themselves to a gruelling ritual of classes including Tread and Shred, Barre Burn and Whipped! (tossing huge weighted ropes = Michelle O arms). The showers are packed with Kiehl’s products for primping the post-workout glow. Repeat five to seven times per week, or until you collapse.

You’re never too young to think about eternity: K-Middy is rumoured to have visited Your Baby Spa in Kensington to keep the bounce in her baby boy. Each baby is treated to a 10- to 30-minute immersion in a bespoke pod. Tots are given a special floatation device with which to explore the pool; the water is purified by a reverse osmosis system. Perhaps this is the water you should be swallowing by the bucket.

Supplement a hot bod with a diet full of superfoods and minerals. Obviously, K-Clubbers don’t do sugar — though they led this trend rather than joining the bandwagon in January. Knightsbridge residents stock up at the Harrods Food Court, Kensington K-Clubbers are Wholefoods devotees, and wholesome Kensalites swear by local markets.

“At the weekends, I’ll go to the farmers market in Queen’s Park and then have a delicious roast in The Paradise,” explains Kensal resident Katrina Kutchinsky, MD of lifestyle PR agency KK Communications. Martin-Light recommends Brooks Butchers and Fishmongers — “where everyone gets their meat from”.

After K-Club queen Kate Middleton flaunted her post-baby abs on the netball court, lesser K-Clubbers clamoured around the oracle to hear her secrets: reportedly she snacked on healthy muesli bars and fruit smoothies concocted by Carol.

The best K-Clubbers always carry snacks (favourites include itsu’s seaweed thins and Bounce Natural Energy Balls) and hang out in gym kit (try lululemon) so they’re always ready for an impromptu workout session, like running home with an infant and Whole Foods tote in hand.

Every Tube journey you make shortens your life by 20 seconds (probably) and the heart-squeezing stress of central London can drive even the calmest commuters to meltdown. K-Clubbers keep things in the neighbourhood.

“The main thing that gives Kensal the best quality of life is its village feel,” says Martin-Light. “There is a massive sense of community around here and a real ‘Howdy Neighbour’ environment. No shoulder-barging, everyone is calm, polite and says hello to everyone as they meet on the street.”

Martin-Light has a tab in her local store — she takes things from the shop and pays it off “once a month(ish)”. Other Kensal friends have a similar arrangement. Living for ever? It’s as easy as A, B, K.

MEET THE LOCALS

THE BECKHAMS

After returning from their Stateside exile, Victoria and David are rumoured to have put down their roots in a £30 million house in Holland Park. Friend Kelly Hoppen did the décor.

SOPHIE DAHL

Dahl is raising her tots with her husband Jamie Cullum in Kensal Rise.

THANDIE NEWTON

Another proud Kensalite, Newton is the woman who never ages: a testament to the powers of the K-Club.

KATE MIDDLETON

The Queen of the Kensington set, K-Middy is the paradigm of the K-Club lifestyle and aesthetic.

ANNIE MAC & TODDLA T

Adding kudos to Kensal is Radio 1’s cool girl Annie Mac, left, who lives there with her son and DJ boyfriend Toddla T.

JEMMA KIDD

Her marriage to the Earl of Mornington led to her acquisition of Apsley House on Hyde Park Corner, address: Number 1 London.

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