I’m a neo-luddite when it comes to cybersex

Laid in Chelsea: Caggie Dunlop on the complications of cybersex
Caggie Dunlop6 March 2012

Forgive me if I sound a little behind these ultra-technological times — but Skype sex just isn’t for me. Even though embracing technology would undoubtedly help my new cross-continental love life.

At the moment, I am seeing an Australian. And by seeing, I mean only that, now he’s left London for his native land. Trying to keep the passion alive with the whole world between us has been proving all but impossible. However, a friend had a very modern suggestion: Skype sex.

Apparently (at least, according to her) virtual love-ins are not only increasingly common in long-distance relationships — they are de rigueur. My initial reaction was one of unmitigated horror until she convinced me that not only was I a neo-Luddite, I was a postmodern prude, too.

Eventually, she started to wear me down. Perhaps I did need to be more adventurous and keep up with the times? My man Down Under seemed (unsurprisingly) keen to give it a go but I was still left with one serious dilemma, even if I put forth my best poker face.

The fact that you can see yourself in the top corner of your screen while Skyping is seriously off-putting, unless, of course, you’re a complete narcissist. But switch off that setting and you risk exposing unforeseen — and unflattering — angles of yourself to your online partner. The potential risks of looking like a sea of skin or, worse, fat, were odds I wasn’t quite prepared to play.

After all, if Skype sex is going to be effective, ie enjoyable, you can’t spend half the time worrying about your wobbly bits being blown up in high definition. There had to be an easier way, surely, I asked myself — which only served to remind me of my last attempt to maintain transatlantic amour …

A former love, who travelled a lot, used to insist we keep things “alive” with a little phone sex. Again, reluctantly, I was persuaded to give it a go.

To my surprise — he was a shy guy whom I’d always thought of as the strong but silent type — he was extremely sexually articulate. However, the phone call was one-sided, to say the least.

Dirty talk is just too lowbrow for my tastes so I had absolutely no clue what to say — and spent the entire conversation (if you can even call it that) cringeing behind the receiver.

With this memory firmly back in mind, I was forced to break the news to my Australian that cyber sex is simply an age ahead of me.

As a compromise, I promised to take baby steps by working on my (and I shudder as I type this) “sexting” skills.

In fact, I’ve just tried to compose one, but all I could manage was “I miss you”. I am sure it wasn’t the cross-Atlantic longing he was hoping for, but for now it will have to do. When it comes to techno sex, I’m afraid to say I’m still behind the times.

* Caggie Dunlop's previous blog on why handsome and sophisticated just isn't enough.

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