George and Amal v Brad and Angelina: which couple will win the accolade for the Wedding of the Year?

Tomorrow George Clooney marries his human rights star, just weeks after his bestie Brad wed his own wonder woman. NFI? Phoebe Luckhurst has the inside track on the aisle dos
Wedding snaps: Amal and George (left); Brad and Angelina (right)
AFP/Getty Images

On Saturday morning, at about 10am UK time, a large community of women of a certain age, and plenty of discerning men, will be inconsolable. Like an episode of mass hysteria, they will bawl and thrash wildly, hands thumping the floor, yowling a wobbly refrain of “It’s not fair!” on repeat.

The reason for this collective tantrum? The sweet torture of love. For two of the world’s most eligible individuals — Amal Alamuddin and George Clooney — are taking each other off the market: the long-awaited Cloonamuddin nuptials are reported to be taking place in Venice tomorrow morning.

The misery is particularly hard to bear, coming as it does in the wake of the Brangelina wedding, which was a nagging thorn in the heart of lovesick sleb watchers everywhere.

But which couple will win the much-coveted (disclaimer: dubious) accolade of Wedding of the Year?

THE PROTAGONISTS

It is important to differentiate between George and Brad as the two are easily mistaken, and one would not want to imply any evidence of wife-swapping. So, a quick litmus test. Scraggly beard and slightly less good-looking than he was five years ago? You’re looking at Brad. Silver temples and the bluster of a wannabe president? Here’s Georgie.

Both are Oscar-winners, both for producing roles: Brad for 12 Years a Slave and George for a co-producing credit on Argo. George also won a Best Supporting Actor accolade in 2005 for his role in political drama Syriana.

They’re both in their fabulous fifties, though George, at 53, has three years’ experience on Pitt. They’ve starred in a number of films together, including notably the 2008 Coen brothers film Burn After Reading and the glossy Oceans trilogy. A recent survey revealed that the perfect man over 30 would have Brad’s nose and George’s silver locks.

To add to Amal and Angie’s reasonable confusion, they’re also mates: the hottest rumour of the Cloonamuddin nuptials is that Brad may be best man - although Cindy Crawford’s hubby Rande Gerber is also a candidate. Perk your ears up on Saturday — it’ll be the sound of the world imploding.

Angelina and Amal are less interchangeable: one being an Academy Award-winning actress, the other being an arse-kicking human rights lawyer who has represented Julian Assange and ex-Ukrainian PM Yuliya Timoshenko. However, they have plenty in common: Amal, like Angelina — who has worked extensively with the UN — is an activist with a keen interest in human rights. They can talk shop while the lads talk silver fox.

THE CEREMONY

One of the most seductive luxuries of being a celebrity is the freedom to ignore the haters. Don’t want to invite crusty Uncle Simon to your wedding? Don’t then. Let him see the piccies in Hello! like the rest of the plebs.

There are believed to have been only 22 guests at Brad and Angie’s ceremony, which was held at their French estate, Château Miraval; reportedly, Angelina promised her late mother that she would marry in France. Close friends — even Georgie! — were snubbed in favour of a family-oriented ceremony, involving each of their six children. Guests included Brad’s parents Bill and Jane and his brother and sister Doug and Julie. From the Jolie side, Angelina’s brother James attended, although her father Jon Voight — with whom she has a tense relationship — wasn’t there.

Sons Maddox and Pax walked their mother down the aisle and Zahara and Vivienne carpeted the floor with flower petals. Shiloh and Knox were ring bearers. The bling was designed by jeweller Robert Procop, who also created Angelina’s engagement ring; Angie entered the ceremony to Here Comes the Bride — hummed by Brad, a cockle-warming DIY masterstroke. The traditional Wedding March was the soundtrack to the happy couple’s exit. Apparently Brangelina celebrated by knocking back a bottle of Château Miraval rosé from their own vineyard.

How will the Cloonamuddin wedding match up? It’s certainly got bigger star power: a leaked list suggests that 60 guests including Bono (like the recent U2 album, he’ll turn up anywhere whether you want him to or not), Sandra Bullock, Matt Damon, Brad and Angie (no hard feelings then) and Julia Roberts have been invited. Lana del Rey will sing (she also sang at the Kimye wedding in Florence — perhaps they have been consulting the world’s experts in pomp and ceremony). Amal’s sister Tala will be her maid-of-honour.

Flowers being ferried to the hotel where Alamuddin and Clooney will marry
Splash News

The couple will marry at the Aman Canal Grande Venice hotel, a 24-room seven-star hotel with quintessential Venetian views of ornate gondolas sashaying up the water. The party will start tonight with a dinner at the Cipriani (the pair have taken over the 79-room hotel); the nuptials are slated for 11am the next morning. Guests, including novelist Kathy Lette, who are unable to attend the ceremony are invited to a Como shindig later. There will be a civic ceremony at Venice’s City Hall on Monday.

THE DRESS

Amal was spotted at Milan airport earlier this week carrying a large hat box and a Stella McCartney garment bag. She is, however, expected to wear a bespoke Alexander McQueen dress for the ceremony — created by Sarah Burton, the award-winning designer behind Kate Middleton’s show-stopper for the royal wedding. Amal was spotted leaving a McQueen atelier in London at the start of this month. Italophile Clooney will be suited and booted in Armani, gossip announced gleefully by the designer at his Milan Fashion Week show.

Brangelina’s dress code was a little more shambolic. Angie’s dress was customised Versace; the customised elements being hand-sewn designs made by the couple’s six children. Choice embellishments included planes, motorbikes for Daddy, monsters, a family portrait, and the word “buttocks”. Commentators were riven along the lines of taste and sentimentality; as a rule, parents tended to find the embellishments heart-melting, while non-parents were utterly flabbergasted that someone would ruin bespoke Versace. Brad borrowed a tie from one of his sons.

THE MONEY

Despite George’s £130 million fortune, Amal’s parents have apparently insisted on paying for their daughter’s wedding. Brad and Angie donated the $5 million fee they got from photo deals with Hello! and People magazines to their own charitable foundation.

THE IN-LAWS

Luckily, the Alamuddins are besotted with their natty son-in-law to-be: a source said Amal’s father Ramzi “couldn’t seem more delighted. He finds Clooney very sympathetic, intelligent, cool, easygoing and crazy in love with Amal!” George’s parents are reportedly thrilled he is to marry the human rights lawyer.

The Brangelina wedding was more political: Angie’s father said he was unaware of his daughter’s wedding plans, commenting brusquely “That’s nice”. He later made a statement to E! in which he exclaimed: “It must have been very beautiful with the kids participating. I know it was during Emmy week and they were able to do it very quietly. I’m very happy for them.” Zing?

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