7 rules of etiquette to follow while swimming in London's lidos this summer

Say farewell to pool rage this summer. Susannah Butter has seven rules to help you love your fellow Lido-er
Get in your lane
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Swimming is supposed to be relaxing. Slicing through the water and stretching out your spine is a particularly satisfying way to exercise — you get all the endorphins and head space, with none of the monotonous grind of the gym or the strain of being on a treadmill. But then you encounter other swimmers.

London is a city bursting at the seams, and even our swimming pools are not free from competition for space. And that means lane politics.

For a landlocked city, London is a good place to take to the water — there’s the natural zen of Hampstead Ponds or Olympic-sized Brockwell lido, where you can pretend to prepare for Rio in a few months’ time. But there’s an appetite for more; King’s Cross Pond Club gets booked up weeks in advance at peak times, and the campaign to reopen disused Peckham Lido has already raised £31,815 on Space Hive.

Anyone who has braved a pool at peak times will understand this singular rage-inducer. A friend times her swims with military precision to avoid the lunchtime rush because she can’t bear the peacocking man racers — and they are usually men. Their mission is to overtake everyone in the pool, vigorously splashing as they go in case everyone didn’t already know they were there and leaving people seething with passive aggression in their wake. Lane dominators bring out the worst in even the calmest people. She also tries to avoid the aqua aerobics class who take up half the pool with their high jinks.

Swimming improves physical and mental health, as seen in all the TV shows and films where stressed career women do their best thinking in the pool – think detective Stella Gibson (Gillian Anderson) in The Fall tearing up the lanes after a hard day solving murders, and Julie (Juliette Binoche) front-crawling her way through trauma in Three Colours Blue. You shouldn’t let the splashiest swimmers ruin it for everyone else. Follow these basic rules to avoid lane rage and stay cool in the pool.

No breaststroke in the fast lane

It’s fine to take things at your own pace, looking at the view or chatting to your pool pal. Just don’t do it in a crowded spot where other swimmers are on a schedule to beast themselves. That’s just creating trouble.

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Don’t fear the slow lane

Going slow and steady is not an admission of defeat and it doesn’t mean you are any less of a man. In fact, no one really cares. They would rather you went in the right lane than bother them in the fast one.

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Curb your passive aggression

Be careful not to make swimming enemies. Sure, someone has overtaken you but don’t let them ruin your swim by seeking revenge, overtaking them at every juncture and “accidentally” kicking them. It’s not worth being that guy.

No heavy petting

You wouldn’t snog on the treadmill, so why is it acceptable in the water?

Practise roundabout rules

Lane swimming is not dissimilar from motorway driving. Just as cutting in on other cars at roundabouts can cause unnecessarily swerving, it is bad form to barge in front of people in the pool.

No butterfly

It’s antisocial. Even if you are the next Ian Thorpe or have the best of intentions, it’s inevitable that you will kick others with your flapping legs or flailing arms and shower everyone else with your wake. Stick to front crawl.

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Respect the traffic flow

Generally, lanes are vertical, but at Hampstead Ladies’ Pond there is an unspoken agreement to go in a circular direction. It works. So don’t be subversive and charge up and down the middle disturbing the peace.

Follow Susannah Butter on Twitter: @susannahbutter

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