Laura Craik on why she can’t cook, won’t cook, the feelgood pleasure of dark TV and the great thong comeback

“Tis a noble thing to eat organic… only it’s hard to reach Gwyneth-style levels of farm assuredness and welfare” 
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Laura Craik30 August 2018

I got sick of looking at my family — school holidays can do that to a person — so I swapped my Christmas at Claridge’s circa 2016 screensaver for a photo of my mum’s macaroni cheese.

Macaroni cheese is her signature dish. It’s every mum’s signature dish. But not mine. By the way, I don’t want to hear a peep out of anyone who moaned about the heatwave now that it’s Siberia again. Furthermore, I’d like them all to come and make me dinner. Because you can’t just slap some cold ham, half an avo and a few salad leaves onto a plate any more, can you? No, you can’t.

Matt Baron/REX/Shutterstock

You have to cook. You have to plan. You have to boil things. Only: what even did you boil? What even did you eat?

Those in search of culinary inspo will be pleased to learn that next month is Organic September. It doesn’t have the same ring as Veganuary or Stoptober, but what it lacks in catchiness it makes up for in hassle. ’Tis a noble thing to eat organic, only it’s hard enough dreaming up nutritional concoctions of carbs, protein and veg without them having to reach Gwyneth-style levels of farm assuredness and welfare.

I’ll tell you where I stand on the ‘can women have it all?’ debate. Yes, you can have children and a career, provided someone else does the cooking. No woman in their right mind wants to come home from work at 7pm, read the kids a bedtime story, then at 8pm start marinating chicken, organic or otherwise. ‘Just marinate it in the morning!’ you might suggest. F*** off. I realise my aggressive tone is a pitiful disguise for my guilt. I am a bad cook, totally disinterested in cooking, yet absolutely mad for food. Oh, and my signature dish? Chips. That’s what the kids said. Mother of the Year.

Love and hate tv

Every year, I forget how dark it gets in August. Why am I switching on lights at 7pm? Is this the apocalypse? The only positive is that it feels okay to binge on TV again.

Watching TV when it’s light outside always makes me feel like a serial killer, but when night falls you feel you have permission. I’m currently #obsessed with Succession on Sky Atlantic, Jesse 'The Thick of It' Armstrong’s timely tale of an ageing media magnate and his avaricious family.

You can’t beat a TV show full of characters that you simultaneously hate and fancy. My favourite is Kendall Roy, surely the most tortured creation since Hamlet. If you’re feeling bad about your own career failings as September draws near, the Roy brothers are guaranteed to make you feel better.

Going for a thong

What a week it has been for thongs, those pariahs of the pants world. One can only assume they all got together in the knicker drawer and decided to hire a PR to improve their image.

Things certainly started off well, with Kim Kardashian posting an Instagram pic of herself wearing a vintage Gucci thong from the Tom Ford years. But then they took a turn for the worse again, after a New York OB/GYN popped up claiming that second-hand thongs aren’t perhaps the most hygienic items to place between your butt cheeks. Boooo! But wait, what’s this? Sisqó (below) got married to his long-term sweetheart, and performed ‘The Thong Song’ at his own wedding!

If that doesn’t warm the cockles of even the coldest, big pant-loving heart, I don’t know what will. Apparently, ‘The Thong Song’ came out 18 years ago. Hands up who doesn’t feel ancient?

Startraks Photo/REX/Shutterstock

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