Laura Craik on living near a newly loved up Taylor Swift

The hemline index was dreamt up by an economist in 1926, and claimed that women’s skirt lengths rise along with stock prices. Buoyant economy = more leg. This could explain why we’re all mooching along in hems that skim the floor. It wouldn’t, however, explain the popularity of the elf shoe, the Deliveroo jacket, the transparent jean, the bumbag, candyfloss hair, unicorn nails or the predilection for making weird and spurious creations out of Ikea bags. Clearly, the hemline index needs to be updated — better still, replaced — with a metric that takes into account the bonkers times we live in.

As a response to political and financial turmoil, dressing eccentrically is as reasonable a coping mechanism as any. The men in suits have proved themselves to be no smarter than the rest of us, so why perpetuate the myth that smart, sober clothes are a byword for sound judgement and efficiency? We may as well cut loose and wear a splatter-print onesie with deep front pockets and a zipper fly. Which is presumably why a Kickstarter campaign to create the RompHim — a male onesie — has already netted more than £200,000. Yes, giant male babies are coming to a pub near you.

Given that my most cherished purchase of the year is an army jacket emblazoned with a massive Snoopy (£29.99 from Zara Kids; don’t all copy me at once), it’s fair to say I’m not a fan of sober dressing. If your idea of edgy is a frayed hem on a cropped jean, you’re not one of my people. I like individuals who make baseball caps and thongs out of 40p Ikea Frakta bags, encouraged by Balenciaga’s £1,600 luxe leather version, blissfully unaware that their contribution is its polar opposite. I like Björk dressed as a swan, Vivienne Westwood in a fig leaf, designer Matty Bovan walking around London in sequins and clashing lipstick. As that great philosopher Seal once said: ‘We’re never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy.’ Here’s to all the fashion bampots out there: London welcomes you, elf shoes and all.

The fry life

In news that will only be of interest to the teeny-tiny number of Londoners who haven’t turned vegetarian, Five Guys has toppled In-N-Out as America’s favourite burger. I cannot vouch for accuracy, because In-N-Out is yet to open here — C’MON GUYS HURRY UP — but it’s my opinion that Shake Shack, which came third, was robbed. Certainly they should win on the chip front, for offering cheesy fries as standard. If your burger joint doesn’t do cheesy fries, you’re no better than a savage.

Swift’s new home(base)

Shopping for woodstain in the Haringey branch of Homebase last weekend, my eye alighted on a tall girl skulking by the pot plants in a really bad wig. I’m not in Haringey much — maybe that’s how they roll — but now I’m wondering whether the girl was Taylor Swift. We’ve all been there: moved into a rental, realised it needs some pot plants… This Homebase was but a hop, skip and jump from Crouch End, where Tay’s currently renting a house in order to be near to her actor boyfriend, a man recently described by a former school friend as ‘a quintessential panty-dropper’. If Taylor really is as keen to keep her new relationship on the down low as people claim, then Homebase is the perfect place to indulge in a spot of ‘normalling’, a term coined by 30 Rock (the best show in the world) to describe pretending to be in a normal relationship when you really, really aren’t. Good luck with that.