Lady of the manners

Hettie Harvey10 April 2012

Dear Hettie
My husband and I have just bought a darling little thatched cottage in the Cotswolds as a weekend escape for when our new baby arrives (and I need a break from being the nation's sparkling sweetheart). But I'm a bit worried about the local etiquette - I don't want to look like a terrible townie every time I pop out for an authentic Olde English pub lunch - what are the dos and don'ts of life in t'country?
Yours, Amanda Holden*

First, every bit of your life that you usually sprinkle with sequins and crystals, liberally splatter with mud. That includes your car, your iPad, your children, your clothes - and, very importantly, yourself. This will render you invisible as you make your approach. Next, brush up on topics of interest to your Chipping Norton Set neighbours, for when you bump into them at the brain-freezingly expensive organic fruit and veg trough at the 'farm shop'. Ask Alex James for cheese tips; if David Cameron approaches, loudly state that you wouldn't be caught dead eating French cheese because the French are perfectly dreadful; should Jeremy Clarkson sidle up, expand this thought to all foreign produce; and as for Rebekah Brooks... just stick to horses and don't give her your phone number. Once you've got all that sorted, you should be fine. Just remember: now that Kate (Cambridge, not Moss) is into Le Chameau, keep your Hunters tucked firmly out of sight - unless you're seeing Kate (Moss, not Cambridge), who's still defiantly stomping about in hers. Ah, the pleasures of the simple country life!
* Amanda Holden's quandary as imagined by ES

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