Jesus, he's hot! The Son of God is having a fashion moment

Straggly hair and beards are in, shiny sandals are on the catwalks, and buff Nazarenes are all over our screens and stages. Amen, says Sophie Heawood
Portrait by Tobi Jenkins. Styled by Anish Patel. Sandals, £365, Burberry Prosum (burberry.com). Grooming by Teri Capon using Balmain Hair and Givenchy Man Skincare. Model: Tom Ashton at FM Models
Tobi Jenkins
Sophie Heawood12 April 2013

It was on Easter Sunday that my brother’s wife dropped the bombshell. Over our family roast dinner, six little words were spoken that would plant a seed of doubt in my heart. ‘Imagine,’ she said, while serving the lamb, ‘if Jesus had been fat.’

It’s not that I’m particularly body-conscious myself, more that I am unable to imagine Christ as anything other than sinewy and sultry, with waves of shiny hair, a tight bum, and those strong, miracle-working shoulders. I only fully realised this as my sister-in-law pointed out that, for all we really know, Jesus of Nazareth could have been a portly, balding little man. I shivered. No. Jesus has always been and always will be... hot.

Well, the good news is that I will never have to imagine such horrors again, because Jesus is going to be everywhere this year — and he’s going to be sexy. In fact, 2013 might be the year that Jesus turns into a sex symbol. Firstly, there’s the History Channel miniseries The Bible, which has had huge ratings in the States, with its Latino Jesus who looks like Ricky Martin, only with more hair. The Hollywood film studios have clearly noticed that the show got more viewers than Downton Abbey, because for the first time in decades there are several epic biblical movies planned, with huge names such as Brad Pitt, Ang Lee, Ridley Scott and Will Smith attached. Two of them are going to be about Moses — you know how it is, you wait aeons for a major Hollywood biopic about the prophet, then two come along at once.

Then there’s The Book of Mormon, the most popular musical in the West End in living memory — and if you haven’t seen it yet, it doesn’t just contain Mormons. In the show, Jesus is presented as an all-American guy, making people laugh with his Don Johnson looks and his ability to call someone a dick when they’re being a dick. Then there’s that new John Lewis ad with the beardy model with the Messiah vibes, and the latest Zegna campaign features a shoulder-length-haired bearded chap. Strappy leather Jesus sandals were even predicted as a big trend on the S/S 2013 catwalks by designers such as Burberry, whose fetching gold ones you can see on the previous page. And let’s not forget the huge international discussion of the new Pope, as well as a new Archbishop of Canterbury here in the UK. Whatever you think about organised religion and Christianity, and my own jury is definitely still out, there’s a lot of good about the Good Shepherd himself — who was, of course, Jewish. He plays a big role in the Koran, too — Muslims call him Isa, he’s a significant prophet, born of the Virgin Mary, and he died and will return to Earth one day. Although, unlike in the Bible, he isn’t crucified and he isn’t the Son of God.

Some cultures portray Jesus as black, some Hispanic, some white. Remember the video to ‘Like a Prayer’, where Madonna is awakened by an African-American Jesus kissing her. Really, he should look Middle Eastern, but we in Europe have all learned his face from Italian Renaissance frescoes, which were posed for by local lads. Thus, in our minds, though we don’t realise it, Jesus is an Italian male model —which could explain a few things. (A friend who recently travelled around Europe looking at these paintings was excited to report back that he thought Jesus, like him, was gay, as he talked all his problems through with a woman called Madonna, and did a lot of thinking about his complicated relationship with his dad.) Really, there’s something for everyone here.

But why now? Why has Jesus suddenly become fashionable? Well, a cynical interpretation might be that he’s a cheaper character to use in television and films than, say, a superhero from Marvel comics, because nobody owns the rights to him. Times are tight, and you don’t have to pay for permission to use Jesus or his good book. Also, The Passion of the Christ was a significant commercial hit, and while it was made a decade ago, its teachings have filtered through to the studios very slowly because it was an independent production. Mel Gibson financed and made the film himself outside the studio system, so the big firms have since been working out how to do just that.

I sometimes think my male friends could take inspiration from Jesus. Understandably, they sometimes struggle to know if they should act protective and manly towards a new girlfriend, or if this will just annoy her as she can look after herself, thanks very much. Which is why they need to ask themselves: ‘What would Jesus do?’ I’m not talking about sexual morals, I’m talking about the fact he knew how to be gentle when he needed to be gentle, and strong when he needed to be strong. Look at how he would hang out with the sinners, with tired washerwomen and workmen, helping them, loving them. Jesus wasn’t the one passing judgement on other people’s lives. He let prostitutes wash his feet with their hair! He said: ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’

But then, when he truly got angry — at the moneylenders operating in the temple, his father’s house, he threw over their tables and chucked them out. PHWOAR. And there are such lovely stories, like the bit where Mary Magdalene is weeping at his tomb, missing him, and then he speaks to her because he’s actually risen from the dead. But she can’t believe it, she thinks he’s just a gardener! It could all go so very Lady Chatterley at this point, I found myself thinking — hoping — as I watched the reading of John chapter 20 on Songs of Praise.

And so, dear Lamb of God, who died for our sins, may I suggest that if you’ve been wondering when to come back — struggling with that difficult second coming, just as rock stars struggle with that difficult second album — now is good. This could just be your year. ES

Portrait by Tobi Jenkins

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