Ex-rated comedy: how former lovers are pulling each other apart at Edinburgh fringe

 
23 August 2013

Comedians Tom Craine and Nat Luurtsema, both 31, were a couple for three years, living together in North London. Now they’ve split up and are airing their dirty laundry in two rival stand-up shows at the Edinburgh Fringe. But whose take on the tragic split is more side-splitting? It’s time to pick sides

ON FALLING OUT OF LOVE

He says: ‘We still loved each other, but it changed. We even tried to rescue things with a romantic trip to Switzerland (because nothing kick-starts a relationship like clocks and euthanasia), but it failed.’

She says: ‘We’re both such stupid, impractical idiots that one of us had to change and grow up. Turns out it had to be me, as he was snowed under with his workload on Championship Manager.’

ON BAD SEX

He says: ‘By the end, our favourite position was spooning with zero penetration.’

She says: ‘I blame onesies. I had a panda one, Tom had a shark and any attempt to wrestle each other out of them looked like an Attenborough out-take.’

ON THE DAY WE MET

He says: ‘I was compering a gig at Southampton University and, luckily, she was turned on by the sight of a man struggling to entertain students in a poorly lit room.’

She says: ‘He ran in late, caught his pocket on the door handle, fell over a chair and apologised to the floor. I like my men concussed.’

ON BREAKING UP

He says: ‘After Nat moved out I spent three days in a shark onesie. A Jehovah’s Witness came round, looked me up and down and said, “Yeah… it’s all in the leaflet,” before running off.’

She says: ‘It was horrible. I cried so hard I had to peel my tongue off the roof of my mouth like an old innersole. Only camels should get that dehydrated.’

ON ARGUING

He says: ‘I wish I could argue like my dad. He’s come to realise that being ill-informed is only a problem if you back down.’

She says: ‘We used to argue in baby voices. It really cushions the blow to say, “I wish oo’d fink of uvvers you foughtless pwick.” ’

ON FALLING IN LOVE

He says: ‘It worked because we’re both idiots. I believe that when it comes to love, we’re all just idiots desperately searching for that one person who’ll fail to notice. This was definitely the case here.’

She says: ‘It was the most amazing feeling, we moved in on the third date, named our six kids and planned to retire and open a restaurant called Dim Sum and Den Sum.’

ON STAYING FRIENDS

He says: ‘We both wanted the same thing, which is why it was possible for us to continue working together. Having said that, if I was Dear Deidre (I’m not), I wouldn’t suggest healing a break-up by forming a comedy sketch group.’

She says: ‘I hope it’ll be OK. I see the sketch show we do together as our version of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours. I beat him up twice in it.’

Tom Craine’s Crying on a Waltzer and Nat Luurtsema’s Here She Be are at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival until 25 August (edinburghsbestcomedy.com). They are also appearing together as part of the Radio 4 sketch group Jigsaw (jigsawcomedy.com)

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