Ben Machell on his arduous grooming routine — and learning to take a compliment

Our columnist's bit on the side
Ben Machell5 May 2016

For a long time, I’d get very embarrassed whenever anyone said nice things about my appearance. When people told me I looked like Gareth Gates crossed with a geography teacher from 1958, I’d blush at the compliment. When my girlfriend said things like, ‘Ben, do you know your teeth are the colour of strong tea?’ I’d always squirm at this little gesture of affection, because I know how much she likes strong tea. Only the other day, my sister told me that my eyebrows were ‘incredible’ — and then proceeded to try and keep a biro suspended in one of them. It made me feel awkward. I just didn’t want anyone whose eyebrows aren’t as thick and lustrous as mine to think that I was flaunting them in any way. It’s just my genes, that’s all.

But recently I decided that, no, I’ve got to stop beating myself up. If people think I’m a well put-together guy who, in this particular photograph, also looks a lot like one of those dashing extras who get killed in Star Trek, then I’m not going to fight it. In fact, I’m going to go one better. I’m going to run you through my personal ten-step grooming routine.

Step one: jump in the shower and rub your body down with your girlfriend’s detangling conditioner. If she has one of those really fine face cloths, you’ll find it’s absolutely ideal for mopping down your undercarriage. Step two: scratch off whatever fine chin stubble has grown overnight with an old disposable razor while you’re still in the shower. If you miss a few patches, don’t sweat it because it makes you look rugged. Step three: squeeze any spots and de-wax your ears with the nearest hair grip. Step four: moisturise! Step five: while your hair is still wet, comb it into a side parting so crisp and precise it looks like lasers were used to get it like that. Step six: if necessary, use some Veet strips to wax the weirdly hairy nipples on your otherwise hairless torso. Step seven: 360-degree deodorant deployment. Step eight: chew on your infant son’s tiny dinosaur toothbrush while swilling mouthwash and looking at your phone. Step nine: blow your nose. Step ten: bit more moisturiser.

And that’s it! Stick with it and people will be making comments in no time. I promise.

Follow Ben on Twitter @ben_machell

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