Harry’s Heroes The Full English: Who ate all the pies? Not this lot of England oldies - Harry Redknapp whips them into shape

Tonight, ITV, 9pm
Alastair McKay19 March 2019

One of the most common clichés of football commentary is the one about scripts.

When something extraordinary happens in a game, the commentator will say: “You couldn’t write this script”, when the opposite is true.

The extraordinary twist of fortune is precisely the sort of thing writers make up: the last-minute goal, the injury-time equaliser, the unjust dismissal from the field of play — all of them are surprising but not unimaginable.

In Harry’s Heroes, a group of former England players are being coached by Harry Redknapp. ’Arry, whose name has a silent H, is considered by some to be the best manager England never had. But he won the consolation prize: being crowned King of the Jungle in last year’s I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here.

Goal, mouth: back row, from left, Harry Redknapp, Lee Sharpe, Steve Howey, Mark Wright, David Seaman, Chris Waddle, Neil Ruddock, Mark Chamberlain, John Barnes. Front row, Paul Merson, Robbie Fowler, Matt Le Tissier, Rob Lee, Ray Parlour (ITV / Fremantle Productions )
ITV / Fremantle Productions

This twist of fate is precisely the sort of thing you could dream up if you were trying to illustrate the democratic instincts that pertain at the shallow end of celebrity culture.

There is quite a bit of scripting at work here. ’Arry’s role is less central than you might think, possibly because he presents his wife’s passport at the airport and so misses the plane to Spain, where some of the players are being put through their paces at a fitness camp on the Costa del Sol.

Happily, assistant manager John Barnes is on hand to supervise the players as they order drinks. “Gin and tonic disguised as water,” says one. “Malibu and Coke disguised as Coke,” says another. “A tonic water, but not slimline,” raps Barnes.

The script these former legends are being squeezed into is the one about fat, middle-aged men being coaxed back into shape for another crack at the title. The equation is something like Rocky x The Full Monty = Celebrity Fat Club. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

In charge: Harry Redknapp
ITV / Freemantle Productions

“The lure of the sausage and egg McMuffin or two,” says Southampton legend Matt Le Tissier, almost writing the opening line of a Lionel Bart musical about footballers from the golden age of jumpers for goalposts and McDonald’s for breakfast.

It’s all good fun. Except when it isn’t. There are two peculiar interludes. In the first — the most startling — former Arsenal star Paul Merson starts crying in a taxi. “I’m struggling with life at the moment,” he says. “Struggling badly.” Merson, whose problems with addiction are well known, has been gambling. “It’s literally like a crack addict,” he says. “But with crack you couldn’t spend that sort of money. It’s impossible.” Merson has a meeting with an addiction specialist, and a couple of his pals offer assistance, but it’s an odd moment.

And then there’s former hardman defender Neil “Razor” Ruddock, who dealt out wince-inducing tackles on behalf of, among others, Spurs, West Ham and Liverpool. Razor is a big man in bad shape. The rest of the team have some cryotherapy but ’Arry decides Razor “needs a lot more than a blast of cold air”. His prescription is a meeting with David Ginola. “I ’ad an ’art attack,” the beautiful Frenchman tells Razor. “I was dead for nine minutes.”

Anyway, on with the show. The England legends have a grudge match against some antique German legends at the home of Leyton Orient. The commentator is Clive Tyldesley, who is an expert at being unable to make it up. England’s heroes are thinner but not exactly thin. “What I’d like to know,” says ’Arry, after the weigh-in, “is ’ow much is a kilo?”

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