A Rainy Day in New York review: Even Timothée Chalamet can’t save this snooze-fest

Wash out: Timothée Chalamet previously disowned Woody Allen's latest drama

The story of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow would make a gripping film. The former lovers have been involved in an ugly battle since 1992, and whichever version of events you favour, the end result would surely resemble a twisty story by Henry James.

The twists just keep on coming. Thanks to a 2017 op-ed entitled Why has the #MeToo evolution spared Woody Allen?, this film was dropped by Amazon and disavowed by many of its stars, including Timothée Chalamet.

Since then, despite being denied a US release, it’s become a worldwide hit. That’s right: Allen, age 84, has staged the comeback of the year.

Ironically, high drama is one of many things missing from the movie itself. So gently paced is this rom-com that, if you were watching it on a plane, you could tuck into an in-flight meal and even have a little snooze without losing track of the plot.

A rich boy, Gatsby (Chalamet), finds himself torn between two rich girls. Aspiring journalist Ashleigh (Elle Fanning) is a blonde. Chan (Selena Gomez), an actress, is a brunette. We’re meant to view the brunette as witty. She’s not. We’re meant to view the blonde as stupid. She is. Eventually the boy chooses one of the girls. The End.

Naturally, teen favourite Chalamet is dreamy. Wan and willowy, he makes Orlando Bloom — whose elfin beauty was once prized by pubescents — look like an orc. Chalamet does a decent Allen impression too, and mooches in the rain with aplomb. His rendition of Frank Sinatra’s Everything Happens to Me earns points for not being in any way slick.

He has a poignantly fragile voice. Some would say it was weak. But he pulls it off. The problem is that his Gatsby doesn’t seem remotely attracted to either Ashleigh or Chan.

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1/50

Chalamet’s hot kisses as Elio in Luca Guadagnino’s Call Me By Your Name were far more convincing. The only co-star who brings him to life, here, is the fantastic Cherry Jones as Gatsby’s imposing, slyly gritty mum. Chalamet’s eyes sparkle with curiosity in his and Jones’s big scene, which is full of Oedipal undercurrents and even contains a hint of
Horror.

In a more typical sequence, Gatsby visits his brother. The latter is no longer attracted to his girlfriend because she has an annoying laugh. Said girlfriend, when amused, sounds just like Janice from Friends. Surely, you think, Allen will add his own spin to the scenario? But no. He just steals the idea and shambles on.

New York looks good. It’s New York! But even with cinematographer Vittorio Storaro on hand, the outdoor shots are much of a muchness. Allen used to write fabulous parts for women. He used to make us laugh so hard it hurt. And he turned New York into a state of mind. This film is fine.

But anyone who tells you this is a classic is the kind of person who looks at naked emperors and says: “Nice threads!”

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